Do you ever feel that no matter what you do and how much you do is not enough? You try very hard all the time, pushing yourselves, rushing around, trying to get things done on time but it just isn’t enough. Working hard to get things done is not necessarily the road to joy or success.
Do you live by your values or someone else’s values? How can you know if the values you “think” you want to live by are yours? It is difficult to feel good about yourself if you are living in a way that goes against your underlying values.
Can you stop a moment and think of a pattern you seem to be experiencing with people over and over. Remember every situation in your life is a learning experience created by your soul to teach you how to gain more love and power for yourself. If a lesson is not learned then pattern may continue by creating challenging situations until the lesson is learned.
In a relationship with healthy boundaries the line between partners is easily identifiable. They are independent beings yet they are close enough to be connected and have impact on each other’s lives. In healthy relationships boundaries are flexible. They grow and change. Intimacy and safety are felt in healthy boundaries. Self-love, self-esteem and acceptance are present in healthy relationships and boundaries. It is important to discover what makes you feel worthy, confident and happy about who you are.
What kind of boundaries do you have? Look at the following statements and decide for yourself.
- You can’t say no because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
- Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
- You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
- You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or avoid conflicts.
- You take on other’s problems as your own.
- You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment.
- You rely on your relationships to create happiness and fulfillment for you.
- You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy etc.)
- You have difficulty identifying and communicating your wants, needs and feelings.
- You rarely ask for help.
- You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
Here are some examples of Healthy boundaries.
- You have a strong sense of identity and you respect yourself.
- You know your wants, needs and feelings and communicate them clearly.
- You share responsibility and power.
- You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment.
- You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
- You are able to ask for help when you need it.
- You know your limits and allow others to define theirs.
Healthy boundaries will always lead to high self esteem and increased intimacy in your relationships. Identify ways in which your boundaries are unhealthy. Nurture your right to have healthy boundaries. Find time for yourself away from your relationship on a regular basis. This can include having alone time, time with your close friends, time for spiritual and personal growth.
Self-esteem comes from being willing to acknowledge who you are and love yourself just as you are right now.